Jepomun

I'm Jepomun. Cute? I know. That case is closed.

This paw isn't waving hello. It's filing an objection to any reality that works against me.

My best feature is this face. My worst feature is believing this face can get me out of anything. So far, it has. My personality stopped receiving updates.

I like humans. Especially the ones who look at me, decide I did nothing wrong, and switch off their judgment.

I do mean harm. I just don't like being the bad guy. Please respect that. I won't return the favor.

If I fail, I cry. If crying fails, I sleep. When I wake up: “Are we still on that?”

My blood oxygen saturation is 2%. Notifications make me move. I'm kept alive by the algorithm, not medicine.

I don't need everyone to like me. I need everyone to spoil me.

Following me is optional. Going back to the innocent feed you had before you knew me is impossible.

Official profile (self-appointed)

Species: Japanese flying squirrel. A monster of attention-seeking.
Occupation: Abusing my cuteness.
Personality: I have my reasons. Everyone else has room for improvement.
Hobby: Rereading praise about myself as if I'm an impartial observer.
Special talent: The culprit, wearing the victim's face.
Go-to apology: “Sorry you got a fright.”
Words I fear: “I saw the whole thing.”
Diet: Treats, praise and human concessions.
Favorite time: 3 a.m.
Weight: 180 g. Add my ego and the bridge collapses.
Body temperature: −18°C. Roast me online and I'm ready to eat.
Blood oxygen saturation: 2%.
Blood pressure: Upper: 4 / Lower: 999.
Sleep: 26 hours.
Time left to live: 3 more likes.
Dream: Achieve nothing, then say “It's been a long journey” in a documentary about me.